Not really. I couldn't sleep well. Even our plush mattress hurt my protruding hip bones. I couldn't sit in a regular dining chair without a pillow. It hurt my new (bony) bottom. Even still, I found myself continuing to see the "fat" girl in the mirror. Occasionally I would walk by my mirror and not recognize the thin person staring back at me. I didn't look sick, but I could hear inside my own head and I suddenly realized where I was headed and how close I was to hurting myself. The whole reason I decided I needed to lose weight was to become healthy. I was healthier, but a lack of the ability to stop at healthy was suddenly staring me in the face. It scared me. I was terrified. I knew what I had to do. I drove to my favorite cheeseburger stop and chowed down. A GIANT bacon cheeseburger and an order of cajun fries for desert became my new diet plan.
For the last two years I've continued a cycle. At first I was eating anything and everything to gain back five pounds and get back to healthy. It took a few months, but I got there. However I didn't stop eating everything I had let back into my life. In the last two years I've gained back 20 pounds. My acne has worsened. I'm sore when I get out of bed, and I get winded going up stairs again. My need to gain weight and then lack of control in maintaining healthy has affected my husband as well. We make a wonderful team in this life, and I can see that by "falling of the wagon" I made it easy for him to as well. We are each others support in all ways. Without him I am not myself. I am not whole. And I know that he feels the same when I am gone. So by failing myself, I failed him as well, without either of us realizing what was happening.
In the past two years we've had major changes happen. We both graduated college and began our careers in special education. God blessed us with the ability to purchase a home, and we've become more and more involved with our church. Our goals, our dreams, and our values are evolving in ways we never saw coming just two years ago.
Over the last couple of months we've been able to take a few steps back and breathe (YAY Summer break). In doing research for natural ways to treat my variety of lovely skin conditions, I began to read blogs and articles about the different chemicals found in the products we use everyday. It was scary. If my body is a temple for the Holy Spirit of God living in me, then what am I doing to it? What am I doing with it? Am I honoring God and his holy presence? Am I really letting God lead me in all areas of my life? Am I living the life God wants me to have? The answer to my searching was a simple no. So little by little our home is changing. We are eliminating as many chemicals as we can, one thing at a time. We are looking into ways to grow and produce more of our own food and buy more local natural products. We aren't striving for 100% organic living, or any crazy fad diet, but we do feel a need to return to our roots and live a simple life. A life and set of values we will be proud to pass on to our children.
I don't know why I remembered this page I started almost a year ago and never used until this morning. I felt a need to find it and write this story. I felt a need to share our lives and our ideas. I felt a need to share our story. I don't know what the future holds, or what I'll share next, but I know that at least for now God has something he would like for me to share, and I will do anything to bring glory to my loving God.
And for today I'll leave you with my favorite part of the Bible. It's from Isaiah 40, and really I love the entire chapter. It's all about how big God is, his majestic power, and how much he loves us. So if you have a bible handy go start at the beginning and spend some time studying this chapter. If your bible isn't handy then you can easily just click on the link I've posted at the bottom. :)
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Click Here to read Isaiah 40
Isn't he majestic?